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4 Questions Your Dating Teen Should Know

Friday, February 18th, 2011

You’re watching your teen discuss the new interest in their life. You’re struck by the perfection of the other person. You interject a question here and there and what is meant as a gentle reality check provokes shock and disagreement. You secretly hope they don’t get hurt since well, they don’t seem like as good a match as your teen makes it sound.

Although your teen in love can seem completely out of this world, you can teach them a systematic way to look at their relationship and more importantly look at themselves within a relationship. A great system of checks and balances makes sure they’re on the right rack in their relationship. Kaycee Jayne author of Frog or Prince? The Smart Girl’s Guide to Boyfriends has four questions that can put falling in love, less of a fall.

1. Are they a source of attraction for me?
Your teen is clearly taken by this person, and you can often tell by what they’re willing to do for this potential mate. They may even ask about a certain recipe or offer to get up at 5.00 AM for a run. You think to yourself you’re going to be up at 5.00A? These are the acts of kindness that are easy to do when you’re teen is attracted to someone. They don’t feel like a chore because they get such a rush for doing nice things for and with this person. However Ms Jane warns that this feeling isn’t confused with the physical chemistry someone feels in a relationship. The physical chemistry can make someone think they’re in love and is used unfortunately to make excuses for a potential partner’s bad behavior towards them. So your teen keeps doing nice things and attending to this partner’s needs while ignoring their own. Over time with little being given back your teen may not feel so good about getting up at 5.00A. If your teen is starting to complain about all the stuff they do for their partner, the answer to whether this person is a source of attraction for them might be, “No.”

2. Do I like myself when I am with them?
Jealousy, fear and anxiety are things that can happen when your teen feels like they don’t know enough about their partner’s feelings about them. Sometimes partners will consciously keep a mate guessing to be mean since it bring s up someone’s insecurities. If this happens for your teen they may notice that they don’t feel very cared for or loved in their relationship. This feeling makes them act desperate and insecure making your teen call, text or check up on their partner, ask about glances at other people or create drama to test the person’s love for them. Your teen becomes someone they don’t like when they’re with this person and that can be a huge revelation for your teen. If your teen is behaving like this with their new partner, the answer to whether they like themselves when they’re with this person might be, “No.”

3. Do I like this person as a person when they aren’t with me?
This is more than someone just wondering what others will say about my partner. This is about looking at this person with a critical mind and assessing what kind of person is this? Is this someone who helps an elderly person with their bags when they see them struggling near their car or is it someone who steals from the shopping bag as the woman has her back turned as she loads her car herself? Deciding whether their partner has admirable characteristics doesn’t mean they have to be a saint, but they should be someone of whom your teen is proud when others talk about them. These behaviors tell your teen a lot about who they are dating. If they find themselves saying, Wow, I don’t like having to defend who this person is to others because I don’t like their behavior, then the answer to if they like the person when they aren’t with your teen might be, “No.”
However the pull of physical chemistry can be so strong that your teen still makes excuses as to why their partner is acting the way they do. Your teen may even think they can change the partner for the better by staying in the relationship or that the person will change for your teen. This rarely happens; People change because they want to not because of a relationship.

4. Am I a source of attraction for them?
Just like your teen doing things for someone they are attracted to, the person they’re interested in should want to do things for your teen. When your teen seems to give a lot and get nothing in return in terms of compromise or acts of kindness, your teen should begin to wonder if this person is attracted to them or cares for them enough to make these kinds of compromises. If the answer is that this person is not willing to make such compromises for your teen then your teen’s answer to if they are the source of attraction for this person might be, “No.”
With four Nos, it may be best for your teen to consider ending this relationship. It doesn’t mean it isn’t hard since physical chemistry can make someone so heartbroken, but in order for your teen to create a healthy, mutually sacrificial and rewarding relationship they need practice asking these tough questions and listening to their even tougher answers.

Adekemi Oguntala, MD is an adolescent medicine physician, author, speaker, educator. She blogs at http://theteendoc.com/

Helping your daughter with her relationships

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

Talking about relationships.

There is no doubt, being a teenager is a challenge! They are expected to make so many big decisions and yet they are barely an adult. When you think about it, most of the important decisions we make about our lives are made when we are in our teenage years and barely know ourselves.

How do you have a relationship when you barely know yourself? How can teenagers make these relationships more successful and not feel pressurised to do something they may regret later. How will support your daughter? What does she need to know about herself?

My thoughts are below but in the meantime why don’t you help your daughter out and get her this awesome book …

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The frog and the prince in the title of the book are metaphors for either a healthy relationship experience or its opposite. Healthy relationship criteria will help you make better choices–for example, choosing who your boyfriend is, and whether to stay in a relationship or to exit. They’ll help you figure out other important stuff like whether or not your boyfriend loves you and if jealousy is a sign that he does. And they’ll help you deal with things that come up in relationships, such as a boyfriend not making enough time for you, flirting with other girls, cheating on you, or breaking up with you.

Every girl dreams of living happily ever after with her Prince– but how do you tell a Prince from a Frog? This book follows Natalie, Meghan, Ella and Elizabeth through their relationships, as they gain the skills to determine if the guy they’re with is the right guy for them. Or as one reviewer put it “it is an opportunity for the reader to identify with one or all of the four girls–Natalie, Meghan, Elizabeth and Ella–who each discover who they are or who they become when they are with their guy.”

An awesome book that will help your daughter no end !

What does your daughter need to know

  1. Values – what does she enjoy doing, what is she passionate about, what does she believe in, what is important to her? How does this fit with her new boyfriend, where may they have problems?
  2. What standards does she hold about how people should behave and act? How do her standards match with his?
  3. Where does she want to be in life? Where is her future and how does that fit with her new boyfriend? If she has bags of ambition and wants to travel the world, while he wants to work in the local supermarket, what sort of life will they have?
  4. What does she respect about him, what are the things that she really admires in him and why? How can she get more of these qualities in her life? If she had them would she still want him? Quite often we can be attracted to someone, not for who they are, but for a quality they have that we want, be it freedom, rebellion, security, who knows? She needs to know this though.
  5. What does she need and expect from a relationship, can he give her this? If not, then he needs to hit the highway, baby!
  6. Are they equally matched personality-wise; this book can really support them in seeing if they are a good match and what they can do to improve the relationship.
  7. What are the things that she does not like about herself, the dark bits, how might these interfere with her relationship and how can she apply strategies to deal with them?
  8. What things is she passionate about, what does she believe in? Does he share the same beliefs? Where may these cause problems?
  9. What are the bad bits about her boyfriend, what doesn’t she like? Can she really deal with them?
  10. Do they laugh, can they have fun together, can they get over arguments quickly by not taking themselves too seriously? After all, isn’t that what a relationship is all about?

February 3, 2011 By @SarahNewton

Sarah Newton one part of the Family Communication Duo is a eclectic mix of sensitivity, wonder, common sense, wisdom and humour. Known affectionately as the Family Peacemaker Sarah’s work spanning over 14 years has seen her on 13 TV stations, 60 different radio stations and has received extensive newspaper and magazine coverage. Called Bubbles by her friends Sarah’s day job is Youth Expert, Family Peacemaker, Thought Leader, Blogger, (www.sarahnewton.com) Author, Entrepreneur, geek and crazy chic all rolled into one. The Rest of the time she is a happy mum, loving wife, adventurer and closet 50′s Diva. Oh and she also fancies herself as a bit of a Dance floor http://finkcards.co.uk/

Mother of teenaged daughter penned a girlsguide to boyfriends

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

Kaycee Jane thought she’d nipped any dating problems in the bud when she told her teenaged daughter that she wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend. Instead, her daughter hooked up with a guy Jane said didn’t respect her child.

Jane, a single Kerrisdale parent and telecommunications executive who’d been busy flying to Toronto for work, realized she needed to focus on preparing her daughter for healthy dating relationships. “I was aware of the research that existed then that unhealthy relationship today [lead to] unhealthy relationship in the future,” she said.

Jane quit her job and returned to university to complete her executive master’s in business administration. She started sliding “love letters” under her daughter’s bedroom door. She wrote about paying attention to whether her boyfriend asked her to do things that would meet his needs, or pressured her or demanded that she did them.

Jane wrote letters for two years to her daughter, who she didn’t want to name, while consulting high school counsellors and parents about teen relationships. She rolled those letters into a book Frog or Prince? A Smart Girls Guide to Boyfriends that took her five years to write and that she self-published in 2008.

The 49-year-old mother also teamed up with Dr. Julius Licata, a psychologist and director of the Pennsylvania-based website TeenCentral.net. It allows teens to anonymously submit questions that are answered by trained counsellors and then checked by master’s-level clinicians or psychologists within 24 hours.

ParentCentral.net, which will launch in the third week of January, will offer the same service to parents. Jane helped create podcasts on topics including talking about sex and dating violence for both sites. She says Licata claims TeenCentral gets two million hits a month.

A young women’s group at the University of Idaho has started an organization on healthy relationships and used Frog or Prince? as source material, Jane says. A young woman in Toronto has started writing about her search for a healthy relationship on a blog inspired by Frog or Prince?

Jane says parents should recognize dictatorial parenting alienates teens. She promotes open conversations between teens and parents where each takes turns talking and listening without judgment. “If we hear someone bring up a really good point, we adjust our perspective when somebody raises it,” Jane said. “Can you do that with your daughter? This is critical because if we can do that with our daughter, then our daughter can do that with her boyfriend. What’s really important is we can develop healthier relationships with our daughters by developing and practicing these skills that our daughters need to build healthy relationships.”

Jane tells teen girls they need to work to understand what’s important to them, what they like and dislike. “To respect ourselves, we have to meet our needs,” she said. “…Of course that’s going to change as we learn and grow, but we have to all start somewhere… We have to be able to stand up [for ourselves] and that’s tough, but to respect ourselves, we will.”

crossi@vancourier.com

© Copyright (c) Vancouver Courier

Read more: http://www.vancourier.com/Concerned+Vancouver+helps+launch+teen+advice+website/4093514/story.html#ixzz1DalaYGd2

Author attends the LIONS’ open house

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

Author Kaycee Jane was featured at an open house sponsored by BEAR, and LIONS, Friday in the Idaho Common’s Clearwater room. Last Thursday, the student group Leading and Inspiring Our New Sisters hosted an open house. The purpose of the open house was to inform students LIONS is open to all women on campus and to promote the book, “Frog or Prince,” by Kaycee Jane. LIONS bases its group on the values in Jane’s book >Read More

Written by Molly Spencer – Argonaut

Frog or prince?

Friday, April 9th, 2010

This book presents a very systematic way of analyzing the current guy you are with to see if he’s a Frog or a Prince. Simple as that! >Read More

Kimberly Rigney (I’m a public school teacher trying to figure out life. None of my thoughts are original to the world, just perhaps to me.)

Book Review: Frog or Prince?: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Boyfriends

Friday, March 26th, 2010

A couple of weeks ago I was sent a book about adolescent dating entitled Frog or Prince?: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Boyfriends, by a Canadian author, Kaycee Jane.  I postponed reading it, thinking that there are too many dating books already, although not enough for teenagers. This and the book’s engaging cover and fairytale title, Frog or Prince, finally encouraged my reading. > read more

Dr. Lynn Ponton. Works as a professor of psychiatry at UCSF. She is a practicing psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, as well as the author of ‘The Romance of Risk: Why Teenagers Do the Things They Do’ and ‘The Sex Lives of Teenagers: Revealing the Secret World of Adolescent Boys and Girls.’

How to Frog-Proof Your Daughter

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

It can be frustrating – even heartbreaking — to watch your daughter date a frog.
You know she deserves better, but until she figures that out for herself, she’s likely to be drawn to the fly-eating guys rather than anyone even remotely resembling a Prince.
But what’s a frog-phobic parent to do? > read more

Ann Douglas (ParentCentral.ca)

Having a relationship when you don’t really know yourself

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

Helping your daughter with her relationships. There is no doubt, being a teenager is a challenge! They are expected to make so many big decisions and yet they are barely an adult. When you think about it, most of the important decisions we make about our lives are made when we are in our teenage years and barely know ourselves… > read more

Sarah Newton (Your Gen Y Guide)

Lessons of love in a modern age

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

…Both teens have noticed a trivialization of relationships thanks to social networking applications like Facebook, a trend that plays out in high school hallways as well. “In high school, so many people are just in a relationship to be in one,” says Alexander. “It’s just about reputation.”…  >read more
Krista Siefken (Cowichan News Leader Pictorial)

Lethbridge Herald

Friday, February 19th, 2010

Book offers tips on talking to daughters about sex and boys. Many teenagers start dating in high school. Some of them will have sex, too. It’s a thought that can paralyze most parents, but those with daughters in particular can lower the odds of disaster by talking with their girls… > read more

SHERRI GALLANT (Lethbridge Herald)