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Laurence Fishburne’s daughter, Montana, and her entry into the world of porn

Saturday, August 14th, 2010

Dr. Julius Licata, Director of TeenCentral.net says celebrities like Kim Kardashian and now Montana Fishburne send a message we don’t want to give our young people: sex is something you barter.  

Did Kardashian influence Montana Fishburne to become a porn star? Montana says that she did. But she also said she likes sex and thinks porn is a good way to explore different fantasies.

Dr. Julius says what’s evident is that sex has become Montana’s currency. She wants media attention. “I can make a name for myself using sex”—the media is doing stories about her. People are talking about her. She now has a career. If she wants to hurt her parents, sex is the way—her parents are horrified. The message this young woman is sending is one that hurts all young woman: use your sexuality as payment and you can get everything you want.

Does Montana have the insight “knowing if I do this now, what affect it will have on me or someone else—to make a choice to become a porn star? She’s of legal age.

Some girls hook up, thinking, “This will get me closer to boyfriend, to love,” or “Having a boyfriend gets me to popular.” Sound crazy? Only if you’re unfamiliar with today’s youth culture. Read Laid: Young People’s Experiences with Sex in an Easy-Access Culture. Finding it difficult to talk with your daughter about sex? Read Meg Hickling’s Grown-Up Sex: Sexual Wholeness for the Better Part of Your Life.

Have you talked to your daughter about hooking up?  Check out what Lily, a high-school girl (and fabulous blogger) thinks about hooking up.  What does your daughter think? Does she  know what a girl deserves in a hookup (like safe sex and to feel, not just give, pleasure)? Have you talked to her about the difference between a positive and negative hookup experience? Does she think hooking up is a great way to get to know a guy?

Knowing what to expect from a hookup or relationship—what needs she deserves to have met, and how she deserves to be treated—is a way for her to make informed choices.

What comes to mind is Lynn Glazier’s project “IT’S A TEEN’S WORLD: wired for sex, lies and power trips,” where teens use films to tell us how our sexually charged world influences their choices. Parents need to listen to these voices. Montana Fishburne’s story-line is just as likely to be played out at your teen’s school.  

If Montana Fishburne wants to be in films, maybe it’s because she played the lead in ”Pursuit of Popularity”—girl uses sex to get popularity (or fame, in her case) in high-school. Or “Under Pressure”—girl’s make up stories—so-and-so is pregnant, getting an abortion, has already had sex with four guys, i.e., use sexual gossip to get what they want. After Jamie Fox disses Montana on his radio show she twittered that he was making a gay porno sex tape. Yes I know, she says her twitter account was hi-jacked. Just saying. Not judging. And then there’s the dating violence: Montana allegedly was arrested for beating up her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend.  

It’s important to talk to your teens about healthy relationships—how to respect themselves and others while getting their needs met, and how to get others to do the same. Parents need to be mindful that women like Kardashian and Montana Fishburne can become role models for their daughters. But what parents really need to be aware of is that Montana was probably influenced as much by her high-school culture as she was by Kardashin.

I read “Telling it like it is: Teen Perspectives on Romantic Relationships” many teens said they didn’t believe in that crazy little thing called love. Remember this? You pull off the first petal and say: “He loves me.” And the next: “He loves me not.” You repeat until you get to the last petal to find out whether your boyfriend loves. Sound crazy? Have you talked to your daughter about love? Or have you left it up to Google?

Talk to her about love—show her a way to see love. Share this heart-saving shortcut: “When a guy tells you he loves you, those are just words. Love is what you experience when he’s happily meeting your needs (and maybe some you didn’t even know you had!) and you’re happily meeting his, all the while maintaining your self-respect and meeting your own needs, too.”

Is becoming a porn star good for Montana? Is hooking up good for girls? It depends on how well a girl knows and likes herself and whether she has the information and skills to make a deliberate choice. Self-respect is knowing what our needs and wants are, learning to recognize what it feels like to get them met, and using that self-knowledge to make deliberate choices.

Healthy relationship criteria can help teens make better choices. They’ll help your daughter figure out what she’s shopping for—hookup or boyfriend? A hookup is a way for a girl to get physical needs met—to desire, to be noticed—with no strings, no commitment. And to get any sex she desires, from kissing to intercourse. If she’s shopping for more than release (to be pleasured and give pleasure)—like caring or commitment—she needs to reset her bar to “boyfriend.”

And that would be where we step in—to help her to find a way to do that, with reasons, with answers—to provide insight about what she’s shopping for amidst coercive influences of celebrities and culture! A  big part of a beautiful life—which we all want for our daughters—comes from knowing the difference between a Prince and a Frog.

To respect ourselves and our daughters we really need to be fearless.

Best

Kaycee Jane

Kaycee Jane is the author of Frog or Prince? The Smart Girl’s Guide to Boyfriends (Amazon). Jane blogs at www.frogorprince.ca. When life with your teen seems overwhelming, try www.TeenCentral.net ‘s Parent section and get help from a professional.

2010 BC School Counsellors Conference. Oct 21 & 22

Friday, June 18th, 2010

We know about the consequences of not talking to our daughters about sex. What about the consequences of not talking to our daughters about healthy relationships?

Researchers have found that dating experiences affect teens’ development, both positively and negatively. Negative consequences of bad dating experiences range from concerns about body image to feeling anxious, to being depressed, to substance abuse, to setting the stage for adult unhealthy relationships.

Here’s the fundamental problem: teens, almost by definition, lack information and relationship skills. And abstinence—or its opposite—teaches you little about relationships.
Researchers have found some teens can identify things that make for a healthy relationship—mutual respect, trust, good communication, for example—but do not know how to build healthy relationships. It’s difficult to apply concepts to real-life situations.

Beliefs influence actions. Our daughters have lots of beliefs about relationships. But do these beliefs really help them get out of a relationship with a Frog and get into one with a Prince? Having the following four beliefs is evidence of a healthy relationship: “I know and like myself” (I’m building myself a beautiful life); “I know and like him” (He’s a great guy); “My boyfriend is the draw for me” (I really want to meet his needs); and “I am the draw for him” (He really wants to meet my needs). If your daughter believes all of these are true, she’s in a healthy, compatible relationship.

I’ve aggregated the latest research about teens and romantic relationships, and translated the information and tools from “frog or prince? The smart girl’s guide to boyfriends” to help parents (and anyone dealing with teens) find new ways to talk about what makes for a healthy relationship. A girl cannot make a good boyfriend choice without enough self-knowledge and self-respect to do so.

Frog or prince?

Friday, April 9th, 2010

This book presents a very systematic way of analyzing the current guy you are with to see if he’s a Frog or a Prince. Simple as that! >Read More

Kimberly Rigney (I’m a public school teacher trying to figure out life. None of my thoughts are original to the world, just perhaps to me.)

Frog or Prince’s ‘Last words about teen dating violence’ at RWJF’s healthy relationship conversation. Criteria vs Concepts.

Tuesday, March 30th, 2010

Youth can identify things that make for a healthy relationship—respect, boundaries, balance, and so on. Can they use these concepts to make smart choices? It is difficult to apply concepts to real-life situations. I believe teens can use healthy relationship criteria to make better choices. When a teen knows how to express their wants and needs (by managing their feelings) they’ll have rock-solid criteria to influence their choices. I take examples of emotional abuse—coercion, jealousy, criticism—and use some tools from Frog or Prince? The Smart Girl’s Guide to Boyfriends to illustrate my point.

I spent five years writing “Frog or Prince? The Smart Girl’s Guide to Boyfriends.” A Prince is a metaphor for a healthy relationship; a Frog is the opposite. I wrote it after my daughter went out with a Frog. I was beside myself: Why was she with him? She either didn’t know the difference between a Frog and a Prince, or else she believed she deserved a Frog. How could she exit? Avoid future Frogs? By acquiring information, skills and tools. And by building a beautiful life. >read more

Robert Wood Johnson Foundation

Book Review: Frog or Prince?: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Boyfriends

Friday, March 26th, 2010

A couple of weeks ago I was sent a book about adolescent dating entitled Frog or Prince?: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Boyfriends, by a Canadian author, Kaycee Jane.  I postponed reading it, thinking that there are too many dating books already, although not enough for teenagers. This and the book’s engaging cover and fairytale title, Frog or Prince, finally encouraged my reading. > read more

Dr. Lynn Ponton. Works as a professor of psychiatry at UCSF. She is a practicing psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, as well as the author of ‘The Romance of Risk: Why Teenagers Do the Things They Do’ and ‘The Sex Lives of Teenagers: Revealing the Secret World of Adolescent Boys and Girls.’

Is this book a frog or a prince? -Review

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

I usually don’t read this kind of book, the non-fiction girl-power how-to genre of books. Kaycee Jane’s book, however, had smart writing that mixed good information with engaging anecdotes and diagrams (charts and checklists). This balance allowed me to absorb the useful information without feeling like I’m studying for an exam. >read more

Paperfairy (TeenSRC)

How to Frog-Proof Your Daughter

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

It can be frustrating – even heartbreaking — to watch your daughter date a frog.
You know she deserves better, but until she figures that out for herself, she’s likely to be drawn to the fly-eating guys rather than anyone even remotely resembling a Prince.
But what’s a frog-phobic parent to do? > read more

Ann Douglas (ParentCentral.ca)

How The Internet Has Changed Teen Dating?

Friday, March 5th, 2010

By Vanessa Van Petten, youthologist and teen author of the parenting book “You’re Grounded!,” manages RadicalParenting.com, a parenting blog written by 60 teen writers, ages 12-20 to help parents and adults get an honest and open view into the world and mind of youth. Van Petten’s work and blog have been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Teen Vogue, CNN, Fox News, CBS Miami and much more!
 http://www.radicalteenagers.com/

When I was in High School I would be at a school dance.  I would dance with a guy and he would be sweaty and gross. Then I would check with my friends to see if he was cute or not (he was usually dancing behind me).  When they approved, I rubbed a little harder and invariably he asked for my number.

3 to 5 days later, depending how much he liked me, he called, we chatted.  Eventually we went on a date and the relationship began.  Now it is a totally different story.

This part is the same:

“I would be at a school dance.  I would dance with a guy and he would be sweaty and gross. Then I would check with my friends to see if he was cute or not (he was usually dancing behind me).  When they approved, I rubbed a little harder and invariably he asked for my…”

But now…

He asks for my Facebook. 3 to 5 hours later, depending on how much he liked me he would friend me.  We would proceed to ‘stalk’ each other, looking at pictures, checking out each other’s friends, applications and wall postings. Then we would poke each other.  Then we would write on each other’s wall. Then we would message or send virtual gifts or rank each other on top friends application.  Then we would Facebook chat, then IM, then text, then talk.  Eventually we might see each other in person.  But by then we might already be boyfriend and girlfriend, broken up and got back together again.

The good:

1)      It takes longer

2)      You get to know each other better through a variety of different channels (IM, Facebook, Email, Text…)

3)      It is a bit more fun, poking, seeing pictures and having chats.

The bad:

1)      There is a false sense of security. You feel so much closer because you have seen all of their pictures and friends, but this is not always real.

2)      It is easy to fake it.  You know how long someone can spend getting the lighting just right for an iChat date? People also can put whatever they want up on their profiles, without you being able to verify if it is true or not. 

3)      You miss facial expression and voice tone.  Even if you are talking, so much of teen dating is now done online…you miss the real life.

I love writing articles for teens and about teens.  I run a website called Radical Parenting.com.  It is a website written by teenagers for adults and parents who just do not get us.  Our teen interns and writers get published, experience and resume value because we LOVE them.  We would be so excited for you to check out our program and our website:

Our Teen intern program: http://www.radicalteenagers.com/ Maybe you want to write a guest post for us?

Vanessa Van Petten, youthologist and teen author of the parenting book “You’re Grounded!,” manages RadicalParenting.com, a parenting blog written by 60 teen writers, ages 12-20 to help parents and adults get an honest and open view into the world and mind of youth. Van Petten’s work and blog have been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Teen Vogue, CNN, Fox News, CBS Miami and much more!
 http://www.radicalteenagers.com/

Does your daughter need dating advice—from you?

Saturday, February 27th, 2010

Well, there’s more to a healthy relationship than sex—so yes, she absolutely does. Giving your daughter dating advice may sound taboo and weird. But who else will talk to her about the differences between a Frog and a Prince. > read more

Hookups vs. Healthy Relationships

Friday, February 26th, 2010

Hookups vs. Healthy Relationships

When people read Laid: Young People’s Experiences with Sex in an Easy-Access Culture, author Shannon Boodram hopes they will learn rather than judge.

One thing I learned was that the difference between a positive and negative hookup experience lies in the same things that make for a healthy relationship. It may be hard to believe that a positive hookup and a healthy relationship would have much in common, but they do.

Two stories from the book illustrate the point. In “The Lido Deck,” by Laurence Anthony, a guy meets a hot girl on a cruise ship. He describes his sexual experience: “Our lips met over and over again… We looked at each other and once I pushed inside, we didn’t stop until every position was explored … It was the cuddling, the spooning, and the honesty that came with it. It all felt natural and oddly comfortable.”

In Shannon Boodram’s own story, “Lane 2,” a girl meets a hot guy away competing at a track meet in Hungary. She describes her sexual experience: “I could feel his body stiffening inside mine, and I held tighter, not prepared to let him go just yet. …All of a sudden he yanked free of my grasp and rushed out of my body…‘I think I got out in time’. ‘No! I don’t think you did!’ ‘Sorry’. Now what? Alex glanced at his Timex. ‘It’s almost one. The bus will be leaving soon, and the coaches are going to get angry. . .’”

A hookup is a way to get your physical needs met—to desire and to be noticed with no strings, no commitment. You can hook up once or many times with the same person. And you can get any sex you desire, from kissing to intercourse. Of course, a hookup means different things to different people depending on what they’re shopping for. Laurence was shopping for “we’re not going to be together forever” sex, caring, pleasure, and spooning. Shannon wasn’t sure—maybe love, maybe a long distance relationship, maybe sex?

Needs are beautiful things, a deep part of ourselves. We all have the same needs but different wants. A want is the way we feel a need getting met. What wants do you notice first in a guy—hair, eyes, smile, height, body? What turns your head? Shannon noticed Alex was “mocha skinned, probably half black and half white, with a clean face and slanted eyes.” Laurence noticed Felicia was elegant—a combination of beauty and simplicity.

The need to notice influenced both of their choice to have sex. Chemistry! When chemistry happens we grow happy and, like magic, feel as if our needs are being met. But other than attraction, what criteria—met needs—do you shop for when deciding to have sex?

Not knowing what needs we’re responsible to meet for ourselves and others, and what to expect in return, makes it hard to make good choices. Shannon didn’t know what to expect from her hookup, or how to meet her own physical needs while respecting herself. Her story shows that it’s a good idea to know what your sexual wants are before you meet your desire need with a guy. What sexual acts do you desire—kissing, touching, hugging, oral sex, intercourse? And what are you ready for? Part of the answer lies in what makes you feel good. And part of the answer lies in “knowing what’s good for you,” how you’ll feel after the sex. Shannon wasn’t sure. During her hookup, Shannon says, “Things were moving too fast, and I was not sure how to stop it, or if I wanted to stop it.” After hooking up with Alex, she felt a physical letdown and emotional confusion.

How can we make good choices when we don’t know what our needs are, or recognize what it feels like to get them met? During sex, Shannon says: “I liked being so close to him in this way. It made me feel important, like I was the only one who could make his body roll this way.” To really get your need to feel important met, a guy has to include your feelings and needs in his choices. Alex didn’t. After “pulling out late” he left her to deal with any consequences, eager to avoid his own: his coach finding out.

Laurence, in contrast, says, “We chatted for hours about school, life, and whose country was better…It was perhaps the most honest and candid I had been with anyone—stranger or not.” He was getting some of his needs met—to notice Felicia, desire her, become familiar with her, listen to her, understand her, be interested in her, and value her (being able to tell her what he thinks and feels). And she got those same needs met in return.

Was Laurence really familiar with Felicia? To really be familiar with someone, you must know what their best and worst personality traits are. If we asked Laurence to describe Felicia, he’d say “elegant, drop-dead gorgeous, sincere, good listener, sharp sense of humor, comfortable in her own skin, and confident.” (If we asked Shannon to describe Alex, she’d list what she noticed: his physical qualities.) Sure, Laurence doesn’t know Felicia’s negative traits. But during her hookup with Alex, Shannon would—“selfish.”

What Laurence and Shannon experienced is directly related to what needs they got met before the hookup; their experience is also related to the need for mutual respect. You can tell if a person respects you by how they get their needs met from you. Do they ask for what they want and then leave it up to you? Do they use character—saying what they mean, doing what they say, knowing right from wrong—to get what they want?

Laurence got his needs met from Felicia while respecting her. Earlier in the week, when they were making out, Felicia said, “Stop…We don’t know each other.” She knows and respects herself. How did Laurence handle his disappointment? “I could think of no greater setting or stage for us to have had sex with one another, but instead of telling her that, I said okay.” They started talking. And Laurence found her interesting without the sex.

Shannon gets her physical needs met from Alex, but without respecting herself or him. Ditto for him. One way to respect ourselves is to meet our own needs—such as to keep ourselves safe from harm. Shannon lacked character because she compromised her sense of right and wrong, exposing herself to the negative consequences of sex—infection, pregnancy, possibly even death (AIDS). (I’m just saying, not judging.)

We all need a bar—standards—for which needs we deserve to get met in any type of hookup or relationship, and for what types of behavior we’ll accept from a guy or girl.

What do we deserve in a hookup? If you’re shopping for sex with no strings, you’re shopping for fulfillment of a sexual want. You deserve to feel good and to have safe sex. And so does your partner. Each of you has to be able to happily accept the way the other treats you.

Needs are beautiful things. Each need has to be met in three ways to feel “just right” and “good.” If your need to desire is truly met you’ll know what your sexual wants are —what makes you feel good; you desire him (want to make him feel good) and he desires you (wants to make you feel good) in turn. And you each deserve to be treated with respect. If your desire need isn’t met in these three ways, your hookup won’t be a positive sexual experience.

Heart-saving shortcut: Unmet needs are good reasons to exit. How to tell? Feelings bubble up. Say you’re in the middle of a hookup and where it’s going, or what he wants, doesn’t feel good. What to do? Stop and exit. Yes, even if you’re so far along that you’re naked. Such self-respect choices build self-worth.

Some girls set their bar too low. A girl might hook up with a guy because she uses sex to get popularity or she wants to get closer to the boyfriend stage, or she believes she loves him. If you’re shopping for more than release (to be pleasured and give pleasure)—like caring or spooning—reset your bar. Needs help us make deliberate choices. If you’re interested in a person, find out more about them—like their traits and how they get their needs met from you—making sure you really know and like them before getting seriously involved. 

Heart-saving shortcut: When a guy is shopping for release, he only needs to notice one little thing about you to feel desire. For Alex, it was Shannon’s beautiful eyes.

Here’s the thing: When we get a need met, we feel happy, no longer wanting. Each choice we make creates a consequence—a met need (good feeling) or unmet need (mixed, confused or hurt feeling). Let’s say you’re hooking up with a guy. Sure, to notice and be noticed, to desire and be desired feel wonderful before (and during) the hookup. But what kind of feelings bubble up after? If you know and like yourself, you’re growing happy—building yourself a beautiful life—not expecting a phone call, not secretly hoping for more, chances are you’re a player. But if you’re waiting for the guy to make your relationship official, sleeping with him is probably leaving you feeling hurt, empty and confused—or worse, feeling nothing at all.

Needs are beautiful things. I know guys can think we’re “needy.” But self-respect is knowing what our needs and wants are, learning to recognize what it feels like to get them met, and using that self-knowledge to make deliberate choices.

Knowing what to expect from a hookup would have helped Shannon get a more positive experience. Knowing what she was shopping for, and how to shop for it, would have helped her. Inform your choices using what needs you deserve to have met, and how you deserve to be treated. Every woman has her own beliefs about when to have sex. The choice is very personal, and partly dependent on your beliefs. A big part of self-respect is making deliberate choices—choices that include your own feelings, needs and beliefs. And that help you decide not only when to have sex, but—as important—who to have it with.

We all have different rules for how we want to be treated and what needs we deserve to get met. The common factor: in a healthy relationship, our most important needs are met, there are heart-to-heart conversations, and the respect—self-respect, respect for others, and the expectation to be treated respectfully—is mutual.

These stories show that by using healthy relationship criteria, you can close the gap between negative sexual experiences and the positive encounters you’re shopping for and deserve to experience. Healthy relationship criteria help you make better choices—whether it’s choosing a guy to hook up with, choosing a boyfriend, or choosing whether to stay in a relationship or exit.

Best,

Kaycee Jane

Kaycee Jane is the author of Frog or Prince? The Smart Girl’s Guide to Boyfriends (Amazon). Jane blogs at frogorprince.ca. When life seems overwhelming, try TeenCentral.net and get anonymous help from a professional.

Heart-saving shortcut by Dr. Julius Licata of TeenCentral: Thought of abstinence as a choice? When you choose the right time to have sex, you’ll experience being in control; having control builds self-esteem. There’s a right time to have sex. Not knowing the person makes sex meaningless and empty. What does the guy like? Who is he? Why are you and he connecting? Abstinence keeps you safe—no fear of pregnancy or STD’s. And abstinence gives you time to build real love and understanding, so when sex does happen, it’s not just mutual masturbation but the sincere act of caring and affection.

 > read more